What are Emotionally Focused Couples?

Couples who are emotionally focused have a better marriage. They make better marriages because they learn what matters in communication, which is empathy and validating each other’s feelings. Simply put; the key to having a successful marriage is when you consistently connect emotionally, can validate authentically with your partner without fixing, and relate to her/him from a secure attachment. What is a secure attachment? 

Some of you may have heard about this.

Common complaints couples make are as follows: 

• couples report that they are growing  further apart
• they are tired of repeating the same arguments feeling stuck
• they are dealing with their spouse’s addictive behavior which is commonly infidelity 

As a marriage therapist, I discovered that there is a pervasive pattern among many couples who experience emotional disconnection and often don’t have relational and communication skills. 

As human beings, we are hardwired and designed for closeness and emotional connection. Within an emotional connection, every individual has a different style of connecting. You must know how to tune into your feelings and then the feelings of your spouse by asking the right questions, then listening, and then identifying the emotions. 

Would it be okay and willing to simply accept and sit with your partner’s feelings? We live in a culture that is driven to fix things and have answers for everything. Everyone immediately Googles everything thinking that they are getting the right answer. Unfortunately, Google does not have accurate answers to difficult issues, especially relational and emotional issues. Even though men and women handle feelings differently, emotions are an essential part of each man and a woman. 

How you learned to express your emotions (this occurred before you got married) and ask for your needs is an important key to a happy relationship. Emotions and attachment styles often go hand in hand. If you are not equipped with knowing and practicing how to be emotionally present and available with your partner, then you will have serious challenges, especially as years pass by. A big part of emotionally focused couples is when they can validate what may be going on between them and with each other, therefore this goes back right to your attachment style and the skills you know or perhaps not? 

Knowing your type of emotional style and love style which is your attachment would help you to make progress in your marital relationship especially if you are facing problems. A secure attachment is what makes marriages healthy, authentic, and happy. A secure attachment requires trust and safety in a relationship and the ability to be empathic. Both spouses must make space and time to reach out to each other and be vulnerable to each other to feel close and connected. 

For example, a husband needs to know and feel secure when he talks to his wife about his emotions, and then hopefully his wife can listen and find out what he needs at that moment emotionally from her. This is never about fixing and solving problems, it’s simply being present. Vulnerability is huge here because he can be honest and reveal to her what may be occurring inside of him at that moment. Many men struggle with that because growing up, no one practiced these relational skills with them. Sometimes it’s hard for a man to tell his wife that he misses her and ask her for more time in the relationship.  

Don’t forget, no matter who you are or what type of background you come from, as men and women, we are all designed and hardwired to connect and feel close with another person in an intimate way, preferably, either of you is willing to do that with your spouse. It is not too late.  

I help couples based on the book, “How We Love” model written by Milan &  Kay Yerkovich. By using this model in my practice, I witness significant changes and growth among married couples. I highly recommend you read this book to repair painful patterns and rebuild healthy and lasting relationships. 

Emotionally focused couples are much happier and healthier because they know and learn how to connect. Along with the tools used in this book, I will personally help you regain emotional connections with each other, and you will see a change in your relationship. As Licensed Marriage Family therapists, we will discover core patterns in your relationship and the way you interact with each other. Together, we will repair and restore your relationship into the marriage you have always dreamed of. Call me today and let me be a part of your journey.

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